Would I Do It All Over Again?

Many times I have asked myself, "would I have had my boys if I had known about their disabilities"? And the answer is yes. Motherhood is an amazing ride. When I had my first child I remember thinking, now I feel like I have a purpose her on earth. For years I felt like I was searching for something, I always felt a bit empty. When I became a mother it made me feel complete. I suppose you should be careful for what you wish for because God gave me a purpose and much more!

Sometimes when I think about how all three of my boys are affected with Mitochondrial Disease and Autism I get angry. Crazy thoughts of me being a defective person who can't have healthy children pops into my head. I still can't grasp how it actually happened to me. But I was searching for a purpose here on earth. My purpose, to raise the most gifted, special kids on this planet. Of course I am partial. :)

There have been other thoughts that have been passing through this thick head of mine. The thought of having one more child. I know it sounds crazy! I know the chances. But a part of me would love the opportunity to have a girl. If God decided boys were in my future I wouldn't be shocked just ready for what I already know. Yes, my track record shows I have a strong chance of having another child with disabilities. And I ponder the negative opinions that people would have about me getting pregnant. We don't qualify for government help, so that is not a factor here. But my husband is the deciding factor. I think he would be the most overwhelmed about the reality of having a fourth child. But as I continue to age and get one step closer to no longer being fertile, my maternal clock is ringing loudly, telling me to have one more. Arrg, I must be crazy right? I look at my children as blessings. They have taught me so much about myself and about life. Love you see, is an act of grace. And yet, I want one more.